2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.