*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
You Might Also Like
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y