1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
You Might Also Like
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.