The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Word!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Deer are just ballerina dogs
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare