Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
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Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.