I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season