If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
CUTE CAT‼︎
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires