Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Strange
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?