If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.