Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
What personal space?
My dog
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
What if the weather talks about us?