I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.