Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.