Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.