They’re really bad with fonts.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.