People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
is this how new cars are made??
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr