I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
The pasta is now
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”