Running from your problems is cardio .
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.