*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Thursday Thought.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50