I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
happy valentine’s day to me
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.