As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.