she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
They’re on their honeymoon
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..