ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
OKAY DAD
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I鈥檓 just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it鈥檚 pastrami
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
鉁岋笍
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Australia is like someone鈥檚 still playing jumanji
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 馃槝
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
forget nudes: in 2019 we鈥檙e sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn鈥檛 seen her fourth husband in some time.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I鈥檓 just gonna be so good at being old.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Oh, you鈥檙e a witch? Name three children you鈥檝e eaten.