cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.