I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
This 4th of July, please remember…
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Finally
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.