4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
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[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.