neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.