Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
He’s cranky this morning
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”