The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
So glad we cleared that up
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees