Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
You Might Also Like
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
finally