Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer