Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches