When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
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Good morning, Twitter x
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.