Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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A new level of troll.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Noah
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible