“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
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Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
This is a sub tweet
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
i hope my email finds you on fire
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world