Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Why is this me 😫
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie