Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
respect
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.