Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.