ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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excuse me
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Why does laundry happen to good people?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.