if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend