When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
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[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
☠️☠️☠️
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing