Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
The pen is writier than the sword.