It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
me and who
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.