[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.