Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
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On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
screw you
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
You got this…