ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”