Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.