Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.