you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*