“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?