i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably